I Love My Dad

Thursday, October 20, 2011

This blog was never meant to be a journal or a diary full of my most personal thoughts. I never even sought out blogging to be that kind of outlet for me. My favorite part about it is choosing exactly what parts of my life that I want to share. So while this is going to be probably the most personal I will ever be on here, it is something that I choose to write mostly for me, and for you if you wish to read on. It's for me to collect my feelings while I'm in this certain state so I can grow from here. I want to share my thoughts about someone that is so important to me - my dad. My best friend that I just recently lost.

About a month ago I experienced the worst, most unexpected night of my life. My dad - my talented, funny, cool, awesome, hardworking dad - was, in a sense, taken from me...but it was still totally not his time yet. We still had time with him to support him, visit him, take care of him and talk to him. In turn, despite the state of his condition, we only hope that he felt our presence when he would squeeze our hands with such great strength. At this point he was not the dad I knew best but he was still my dad and my sister and I were on a mission to continue to be the best daughters ever. It was the hardest month I've ever gone through. Seeing him in this light was extremely heartbreaking but I would put on my best optimistic voice for him because it would hurt him to hear me in distress. We tried our best. He tried his best. I know he did. But in the end, I was left with the second worst night of my life. This time around I had to come to the realization that he is now at peace. If pain, confusion and suffering were any factors in his recent state, I truly want him to be in a place where he is comfortable and no longer fighting while being incredibly weak. 

My dad was always there for me. He was the hardest working guy I know. He was an amazing photographer. He spoiled me even though I am an adult. He made fun of people with me. We went on Trader Joe's runs and would walk around the Queens Center Mall for no reason whatsoever. He would have vegetarian dim sum with me and my sister even though he was far from being vegetarian. He successfully carried our old 100 pound broken TV down three flights of stairs no more than three months ago. We watched Food Network and Cooking Channel together all the time even though neither of us are good cooks. He sewed my buttons back onto my coats when they fell off. He loved home shopping channels. He picked me up and drove me home on nights I was out late just so I wouldn't have to take the train home alone. In any situation, he always knew the right thing to do. I seriously owe my dad everything. I am a complete dad's girl and I am who I am today because of him. 

I want to take this time in this space to say thank you for everything daddy. I love you so much. You are a fighter. I will never forget the 28 years of my life we spent together even though I naturally only remember the last 25 years or so. I'm so glad we had such an amazing father-daughter relationship that was so genuine and silly. I lost you as my partner in crime but I am positive you'll still guide me in some way or another. 


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